Road to Absolution - Sneak Peek!

 Cassidy

Eight years ago…

“CARTER,” I WHISPERED, forcing back tears. “I have to go.”

“Why, Cass?” he demanded.

I stared up at my best friend and tried not to fold. “You’re leaving—”

“I’ll be back in less than a year.”

Carter had driven to my place, rather than heading home after work, and he now stood in my kitchen (after sneaking in through my bedroom window), his face contorted in frustration as I tried to explain in person what I’d tried to explain over the phone.

My parents were still at work and my sisters were out with their boyfriends, so I had the house to myself…which almost never happened.

“But if you’re not here, there’s no reason for me to stick around.” I smiled. “Who knows where the Air Force will take you?”

He shook his head and ran his hands through his hair. “Damn it, Cass. I don’t get this need you have to run.”

I giggled. “You’ve known me since I was six. I have al-ways wanted to run.”

Carter Quinn had been my constant shadow ever since my parents moved me and my sisters to the property adjacent to the Quinn farm eleven years ago. It had started on my first day of first grade when he put a cockroach in my hair and I calmly removed it and named it “George.” He was two years older than me, but ever since then, we’d spent pretty much every day together trekking through the wooded areas around our homes and lazy water “rides” on what he called the Quinn River. Of course, it was more of a pond, but it was safe to swim in and sometimes we would all take turns pushing each other in inner tubes in order to feel like we were all on some kind of rapids adventure. Silly kid stuff that I was going to miss.

“That’s not what I meant,” he grumbled.

“I know, buddy.” I sighed, trying once again to bolster my resolve.

Carter was the fifth of six brothers, all rambunctious little boys who grew up to be gorgeous, strong, respectful men. They loved their Mama, and had a deep reverence for women in general, but that didn’t mean they didn’t take advantage of the fact they were all illegally good-looking.

“I can’t believe you’re giving up your senior year.”

“To dance in France, Carter!” I said for the umpteenth time.

“You could dance in good old America,” he said, also for the umpteenth time. “What if you hate Paris and I’m not here to help you pack up and come home?”

“You leave in a week.” I rolled my eyes. “You won’t be back for at least eight months, probably longer, and then that’ll be for what, a week or two? Then onto something else for ano-ther year or more, right? I’ll do my year in Paris and beat you back here either way. It’s the perfect chance for me to finish school and train with a prestigious ballet company…and take my mind off the fact that you’re going to be flying planes into combat. It’s a win-win.”

He knew how much I hated school. I was never good with the politics of high school and once he left, I was bored…and a target.

“Are you still dealing with assholes?”

“Not since you forced your brother to stick close to me,” I said with a sigh.

“I didn’t force him to do anything. You know he thinks of you like the sister he never had.”

I chuckled. “Or wanted.”

Carter grinned. “Aidan adores you. Just don’t let him know I told you.”

Aidan was the baby of the family and one year younger than me, but you’d never know to look at him. He was six-foot-one and still growing, his best class was weight training, and, as was common with the Quinn brothers, he had a harem of girls who followed him everywhere.

Once Carter graduated and I was left without my “shield,” Aidan took up the mantle and his harem didn’t like it, but I tried to keep my head down and ignore them as best I could. Easy to do for the most part since I was dancing more than going to classes my junior year.

“My lips are sealed.” I tried for a goofy grin. “This isn’t a problem that you can make your bitch, buddy. We’re just going to have to let it all play out naturally.”

Carter crossed his arms and studied me. “If you go, I’m gonna miss your eighteenth birthday.”

“I’ll be back a full week before my eighteenth birthday, it’s you who’ll still be gone more than likely.”

“You’re breakin’ our deal, Cass.”

I scowled at him, my stomach churning. “You broke it first by running off to war!”

“So, this is about getting back at me?”

“No!” I snapped, and then took a deep breath. “No, seri-ously, it’s not. The deal was we would have a private wedding ceremony by the dead tree with Torbig the Troll as officiant when I turn eighteen, right? I’m not eighteen. So, as long as you’re back at some point before I turn nineteen, I will view the deal is intact. Unless of course, you find your forever love and marry her instead. At that point, I will admit that my heart will unequivocally shatter into a million pieces…” I let my sentence trail, hoping my joke would lighten the mood.

Carter laughed. “Fuckin’ nut.”

I giggled. “Says the bolt.”

This had been a private joke I’d started back before I knew exactly what nuts and bolts were. At the time, he’d laughed hysterically, then explained the sexual connotation I’d inadver-tently voiced, but still, the joke had stuck and it had been our thing.

“You’re coming back, right?” he pressed.

“Are you?”

“Yeah, Cass, I’m coming back.”

I slipped my hands into my pockets. “Well, so am I.”

He wrapped his arms around me and drew me close. I pulled my hands from my pockets and hugged him back. I loved him more than I would ever admit out loud, but that was a story for another day.

For now, it was time to grow up and figure out how to live my life without my crutch. It was something my mother had urged me to do…figure out how to exist in a world without Carter Quinn, but I’d always brushed her off, thinking one day, I’d have him forever. That he’d see me for something other than his best friend. But when he’d been recruited for the Air Force and jumped at the chance to be a hero, I realized he’d never see me the way I saw him, so I knew I had to let him go.

“I’m coming to the airport,” he said, his voice low with emotion.

I squeezed my eyes shut. “You better.”

“I’ll email you every day that I can and you better do the same.”

I smiled and leaned back to look up at him. “Do not go get all emotional and shit on me.”

“Don’t use that fuckin’ language. You’re too pretty for it.”

“You’re a dork.” I laughed and shoved at him. “FroYo and a movie? I’ll buy.”

“You’re not payin’, Cass, but yeah, FroYo and a movie’s good.”

“Do you want to climb back down the tree or use the front door like a regular person?”

We had a huge tree that happened to have a sturdy limb that was like a ladder directly to my room. Carter had snuck in on more than one occasion, mostly when I was mad at him and refused to answer his phone calls. I’d tease him because if he didn’t talk to me at least once a day, he couldn’t seem to function.

“I didn’t know your parents would be gone,” he countered.

I giggled. “Whatever. I personally think you prefer the tree. Of course, it’s the middle of the day, so you ringing the doorbell would have been perfectly acceptable.”

He grinned. “Keep it up, buddy, and there’ll be no movie for you.”

“Oooh, you scare me,” I retorted as I grabbed my keys and followed him out the door.

* * *

One week later, I stood with my dad and Carter at the end of the security line, not quite ready to say my final goodbyes as I headed to my next adventure. Daddy was flying to Paris with me and checking everything out before flying home, and Carter had offered to drive us so my mom could say goodbye at home. She was a wreck, so had readily agreed to do her sobbing in private. My sisters on the other hand had a life outside of me and were happy to wave at Carter’s truck as we were driving away.

I was consumed with the fact that Carter was leaving in two days for his tour with the Air Force, which meant we’d maybe have a day or two to email or Skype, but then nothing was guaranteed.

I had done a really great job of keeping my warring emo-tions at bay. I was excited to go to Paris. I mean, it was freakin’ Paris after all, but I knew I’d miss my family. We were tight. Like Carter and his family, only we were sisters, so we fought a little dirtier, but we loved each other and our parents rocked.

But leaving Carter made me sick to my stomach. I didn’t know where he was going or where he’d be stationed…neither did he. The not knowing was the worst and if anything happened to him, I’d be the eighth to know, unless one of his brothers called me before my parents did. I blinked back tears at the thought, saying a silent little prayer to keep him safe.

“You okay?” Carter asked.

I forced a smile and nodded. “Yep.”

“I think this is where we leave you, Carter,” my father said.

Carter nodded and shook his hand. “Have a safe trip, sir.”

My dad smiled and nodded, and I lost it, throwing my arms around Carter’s neck and sobbing against his chest. “Ohmigod, Carter, if you get yourself killed in some Middle Eastern country, I will hurt you.”

He chuckled, hugging me tight. “I’m not so easy to kill, Cass. I’m going to be fine, okay?”

I leaned back and he cupped my face, wiping my tears away with his thumbs. “Please stay safe,” I whispered.

“I will. A bolt must return to his nut after all.”

I rolled my eyes and nodded. “I love you.”

“Love you too, Cass.” He leaned down and gave me a gentle kiss on the lips. Not a romantic one, just one that reminded me he was my best friend and he adored me.

Dad and I walked through the point of no return and as I was putting my shoes back on, Carter waved to me, and I know he waited until he couldn’t see me anymore before leaving. Don’t ask me how I knew. I just did.

Carter

CARTER WATCHED HIS girl walk with her father toward their gate, smiling as she blew him a final kiss and then disappeared from his sight. He stamped down the pain of losing her, reminding himself that he’d see her again in a year and he’d finally be able to tell her how he felt. He’d kept his adoration of her quiet because she was young, sheltered, and the epitome of a good girl.

It wasn’t as though he was a bad boy, far from it, but he didn’t want to be the one to take her virginity before she was ready, especially since her father would kill him if he did.

He wanted the timing to be right…when they were ready to make a life together. He’d dated a few girls, screwed a few girls, too, but it didn’t take long for him to realize there would never be anyone else for him. Cassidy Dennis was his. She had been since she was six and she would be until she was ninety-six. She was his best friend and he would wait for her as long as she needed him to.

Arriving at his truck, he swore when he couldn’t get the door open. He’d lovingly restored his 1971 Ford pickup with his own two hands, and the occasional passing of a wrench or something from Cassidy. He’d always considered the truck just as much hers as his, considering they’d talked for hours while he worked on it, but he still had a few things he needed to fix, including a sticky lock.

It took him a few minutes, but he managed to get the door open, and climbed inside. He started the engine and forced his desolation away. Cassidy would call him tomorrow, he’d hear her voice, and he’d know she was safe. He wished he’d been the one to go with her, but it didn’t surprise him that her dad had taken up that responsibility. Her family was close and Mr. Dennis wasn’t about to let his baby go out of the country without fully vetting where she’d be living, who she’d be living with, the faculty and school.

Carter sighed. Cassidy had been gone fifteen minutes and his heart was heavy. As he reached for his wallet to pay for airport parking, his hand caught the chain he’d slipped into his pocket. At the end hung a nut and bolt, threaded together. He smiled and pulled it out, looping it over his neck. He’d kept it hidden from Cassidy because he’d had one made for her as well. A far more feminine version, granted, but matching all the same. He’d sneaked it into her carryon as she checked two bags at the ticket desk and he couldn’t wait to hear what she thought.

His heart lightened as he headed home. He could do this. One year would go by quickly and they’d be able to pick up where they left off. It was their way and he knew nothing would change that.

* * *

I stared out the plane window and forced myself not to sob as we took off. Dad was on the aisle seat and we’d been pleas-antly surprised to find that no one was between us.

“You okay, honey?” Dad asked.

I grimaced and turned to face him. “Is it wrong to feel like my heart is breaking?”

“Not at all.” He smiled. “I promise, you’ll be fine.”

“But will Carter?”

“He’s made of tough stuff, Cass. He’ll be fine too.” He took my hand. “Just focus on this year and if you’re meant to be, you’ll be. I know those are just words to you, but when you get some distance, things will be clearer.”

I nodded, although, I knew he’d never understand. He was cursed (he said blessed, but I personally think he just replaced the word to convince himself) with a house full of women and womanly emotions, which meant drama was prevalent.

Most things for my sisters, Shannon and Mia, were emo-tional tens (on a scale from one to…) when it came to boys and life. I was far more even-keeled, but that also meant I didn’t openly share my love of Carter with the world.

I did to my mom, but Dad’s eyes would glaze over and Mom said he was going to his happy place when my sisters started in on their emotional blackmail, so Dad didn’t know about the extent of Carter.

I turned back to the window and as soon as we were cleared to use our electronic devices, I pulled my backpack onto my lap and unzipped the front flap. Tugging out my iPod, I found a little wrapped package with Carter’s distinctive script scrawled on the front.

I ripped it open and forced myself not to totally break down at thirty-five thousand feet. I pulled out a feminine but very sturdy silver chain that had a threaded nut and bolt, a pair of ballet slippers, and a mini dog tag hanging from it. It had been wrapped in tissue paper with a note.

“What’s that?” my dad asked.

“A little surprise from Carter.” I handed the chain to him and he smiled before handing it back.

“Clever,” he said.

“That he is.” I secured it around my neck and found myself reaching for it several times during the flight. I couldn’t wait to call him and tell him how much I loved it and him. I didn’t care that I was leaving for a year. I wanted him and if I had to wait for him, I would. Now I just had to convince him I was the one for him. That would prove harder.

Still, I had a smile on my face as I drifted off to sleep, my hand over the charms that had settled over my heart.

Appropriate.

Little did I know, my phone call to Carter the next day would be too short to tell him anything substantial and the last time I’d hear his voice until I returned to the States. In less than a year, my safe little world would be rocked to its core.

* * *

Eleven months later…

“Cassidy!” Pierre grinned and held his arms out to me as I walked into the practice room. “Vous êtes magnifique!”

I chuckled as I accepted the double cheek kiss and hugged him back. I dropped my bag on the floor and pulled out my toe shoes. “Bonjour Pierre.”

“Well done,” he exclaimed. “You might just be fluent by the time you leave.”

“You never know.”

I had been in Paris for about a week when I was introduced to Pierre Desrosier. Tall and lanky, albeit muscular, he had the perfect dancer’s physique and with his sexy French accent, I couldn’t help but be drawn to him. Almost from the start, he’d pursued me and I was flattered. What initially gave me pause was that he looked quite a bit like Carter. I couldn’t imagine dating anyone who looked like the love of my life unless it was the love of my life.

Lately, however, I was beginning to wonder if I should find out if it would work with Pierre. Granted, I had less than a month before I returned home, but who knows? It could be fun and who didn’t love a power couple?

Especially, when they were portraying a couple in art and happened to love each other in real life.

Besides, Carter hadn’t contacted me in almost ten months and it didn’t seem as though he cared as much as he said he did. I had been in a constant state of fear after three months without a word, but when Aidan mentioned Carter was safe, that fear turned to anger and hurt.

He’d managed to get word to his family, but not me? I was devastated and wondered if he couldn’t get past the fact that I’d left.

“We will work on the transitions today, oui?”

Pulled out of my melancholic thoughts, I nodded. “Oui.”

When our time came to an end, Pierre hugged me tightly. “Beautiful, Cassidy. You were so uninhibited today. Finally. Parfait.” He stroked my cheek. “Have dinner with me.”

I smiled. “Why not?”

“Oui?”

“Oui, Pierre. Dîner serait belle.”

“I’ll collect you at seven.”

“Perfect…um…parfait,” I corrected, and Pierre chuckled, kissing me on the cheek.

I headed back to my dorm room and took a hot bath. We’d worked out hard today and my body was hurting, but it was my heart that was suffering more.

The moment I’d said yes to Pierre, I knew I had to let Carter go. Irrational, perhaps, but I didn’t know if I could con-tinue to hold out hope that he would ever be mine and it was time for me to live a little. I hoped it was, anyway.

After taking extra care with my hair and make-up, I opened the door to the handsome and incomparable dancer and let fate take my life wherever it led me.

* * *

One month later…

It was the beginning of October, and I had been home from Paris for just over a week and couldn’t get out of bed. For the most part, my mother had left me alone to my depression up until now, but the morning before Carter was due home, she pushed into my room and sat on my bed. The time had come to confess.

“Okay, my sweet baby girl, I have given you some space, but now I’m really worried. I realize I have barely a week be-fore you’re eighteen and then I can’t technically make you go to a doctor, but will you please tell me what’s going on? Carter’s coming home tomorrow and I need to know why you’re not excited. I need my Sassidy back.”

“I’m not feeling very sassy today, Mom.”

“What’s going on, honey?”

“I did something. Something bad,” I whispered.

She slid my hair away from my face. “Cassidy, what could you have possibly done that would make you dread seeing the man you love?”

I sat up and pulled the covers up to my chest. “I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“You’ll hate me.”

“Baby girl, there is nothing in this world that you could do that will make me stop loving you.”

I tried to calm my churning stomach. “I slept with someone in Paris.”

My mom took a deep breath. “Okay, honey. It happens. Was it someone you loved?”

“Not really, no.” I shook my head.

“Was it Pierre?”

I nodded. “How did you know?”

“Well, he’s handsome and you’d been spending a lot of time together,” she said. “Plus he looks a bit like Carter and I wondered if you’d be able to resist Carter with a French accent. I know I couldn’t.”

I snorted. “Well, I should have because I’m pretty sure I slept with him for all the wrong reasons.”

“Oh, honey, been there.” My mom smiled sympathetically. “Why do you think you slept with him?”

“I was mad.”

“At Carter?”

I groaned with a nod. “I hadn’t heard from him and I was really hurt that he found a way to let his family know he was okay, but not me. I get that they are more important. It’s not like I thought I should know something they shouldn’t, but I was just so sad. Pierre was in the right place at the right time, I guess. Plus, I just thought I’d get it over and done with...the losing my virginity thing.” I swallowed down the bile threat-ening to spill and dropped my face into my hands. “But I regretted it the second it was over.”

“What happened?” Mom pressed.

“It was awful, Mom. I mean, sex wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be…it didn’t really hurt, but when I was naked with him he pointed out everything wrong with my body, and—”

“Like what?” Mom asked, her voice had taken on a weird shrill quality about it.

“My body?”

“Yes.”

“Um, I have a large butt, my thighs are a little thick and my breasts were bordering on porn sized.”

“That little fucker.”

“Mom!” I nearly choked, I was so surprised by my mother’s swearing. It’s not like she’d never sworn before, but I don’t know that I’d ever heard her use the F-word.

“Well, he is. You’re beautiful, Cassidy. Inside and out, and if that little shit couldn’t see it, then good riddance.”

“You’re supposed to say that, you’re my mom.”

“I don’t have to say anything of the sort.”

“Mom,” I groaned.

“You didn’t sleep with him again did you?”

“No, but not because of what he said. I didn’t know we weren’t being exclusive. Apparently, I was one in a line of many. I am just such an idiot.”

“Honey, we all make mistakes, and it’s your time to make choices that push the limits. You can’t be so hard on yourself.”

I burst into tears. “No, you don’t understand.”

She gave me a gentle smile. “Tell me.”

“I think I might be pregnant.”

Mom gasped and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me close. “Oh, baby girl. Do you know for sure?”

I shook my head. “No, but I haven’t gotten my period, and I’m sick all the time.”

She stroked my hair. “When did you sleep with Pierre?”

“Right after the showcase.”

“Which is when you were finishing those antibiotics for your strep.”

I nodded. “Is that important?”

“They can make the pill useless.”

I groaned. “But we used a condom.”

“Which aren’t a hundred percent,” she said. “Look, let’s not panic just yet. I’m going to run to the store and grab a test and we can know for sure.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

She smiled and left me, returning thirty minutes later. “Go pee and we’ll see what it says.”

I nodded and took the box from her, grateful we were alone at least for the moment. I did my thing, washed my hands and then met my mom back in my room. For a few minutes, I felt like this could all be a cruel joke, but then there were two lines and my world crashed down again. I flopped onto my bed. “How am I going to tell Carter? He’s going to hate me.”

“I don’t think he’ll hate you, honey. I don’t think he’s going to be happy, but he won’t hate you.” She wiped away tears and shook her head. “Your dad on the other hand…”

“Ohmigod, Mom, we can’t tell Dad.”

“Well, how long were you expecting to keep it from him?” she challenged.

“I can’t have Carter and Daddy hating me.”

“Baby girl, neither of them will hate you. Daddy’s going to freak out, I won’t candy coat that, but he won’t hate you.”

“I’m a total whore.”

“Honey, you are not a whore.”

“Why are you so calm?” My mom was taking this news way too well.

My mom sighed. “Sometimes you do everything you’re supposed to do and shit just happens. Would I have wanted this for you? No. But it’s happening and now we need to decide where to go from here. This could have happened to me before I married your father, so I’m the last person to judge you, honey. You just got stuck with some consequences I didn’t.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well, I wasn’t always “safe” so to speak. I had a scare when I’d missed two pill days and had sex with my boyfriend at the time without condoms, so we’ve all been there, honey.” She patted my knee. “We’ll figure this out, Cass. It’s not going to be pretty, but we’ll figure it out.”

“I can’t tell Carter, Mom. He’s only home for a week.”

“Well, that’s up to you, honey. But we need to tell your dad…and then your sisters.”

I knew she was right, but that didn’t mean I wanted to do it. In the end, we told my dad later that night and he said nothing. Not a word. Just stood and walked into his bedroom, closing the door behind him. Mom followed and I was left to my thoughts, which turned me into a sobbing mess and kept me awake all night.

If I lost the love of my father, I’d be destroyed.

* * *

“Cass?” Carter called, jogging up to me. He was shirtless and delicious, his matching nut and bolt chain hanging against his pecs. He had a new tattoo on his upper arm of the Air Force logo and it was hot. He was leaving again in two days and I was silently congratulating myself for keeping my secret. He would go back to base and I could deal with my predicament in seven months, give or take.

“Hey,” I said. We were out at the pond, cooling off on a particularly hot June day. I was sitting under the shade of the canopy his parents’ had set up years ago, avoiding the sun.

He flopped down beside me and grinned. “So, you gonna fill me in?”

“On?” I asked.

“Why you’ve been so quiet these past few days.”

I faced him, grateful my sunglasses hid my panic. “Have I been?”

“Cass, I know we haven’t seen each other in a year, but I still know you.”

“Just missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” he said, standing and holding his hand out to me. “Let’s go for a walk.”

“Mysterious.” I took his hand and let him pull me up. “Where are we going?”

We started toward the tree-line of our properties. “It’s a surprise.”

I giggled. “I love surprises.”

“I know.” He squeezed my hand. “I actually want to ask you something.”

“Ask away.”

“You know I love you—”

“I love you too,” I said.

“No, wait. Let me get this out.” He sighed. “Sorry. I’m fuckin’ this up.”

“You’re doing fine.”

“I love you, Cassidy. I have forever, and I want to know if you’ll marry me when I’m done with this next tour.”

I felt the color drain from my face. “What?”

He grinned as we arrived at the dead tree. “I have it on good authority Torbig the Troll will be available to do the honors when I get home…he told me himself…but I think maybe we should do the church thing.”

“Wait. Carter.” I knew tears were escaping the safety of my sunglasses, but I couldn’t stop them.

“Hey, babe, why are you crying?” he asked, cupping my cheeks.

“I can’t…ohmigod, Carter…I can’t do this.”

“Why not?”

“Ohmigod.” I made an awkward attempt to walk away.

Carter grabbed my arm and pulled me to face him. “Hey, what’s wrong? You can tell me.”

I shook my head. “I can’t tell you this, Carter.”

He gave me a gentle smile. “I love you, Cass. You can tell me.”

“You’ll hate me.”

“I could never hate you.”

I flailed my hands at my sides in frustration. “Why didn’t you tell me before I left how you felt?”

Carter frowned. “Because I wanted to wait until you were eighteen.”

“No jailbait, got it.”

“Whoa, that’s not what I mean.”

“I know, Carter. Just ignore me.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I need to go.”

“Fuck me, Cassidy. What the hell is going on?” he snapped.

“I slept with someone. In France.”

“O…kay,” he said slowly. “Are you still together?”

I shook my head.

“Well, then, what’s the problem?”

I laid my hands over my belly. “I’m pregnant.”

“What?” he whispered, chuckling as though he didn’t really hear what he heard.

“I’m pregnant. I made a stupid mistake and now I will be paying for that mistake for the rest of my life.”

Carter’s hands dropped to his sides and his face changed. I don’t think I will ever forget the expression, mostly because I’d never seen it before…not from him, anyway. It was one of pure unadulterated devastation…one of disappointment and sad-ness…and, yes, a little hatred.

“I’m so sorry, Carter.” I turned and made a run for my house. That was the last day I saw him. The last day I talked to him. The last day I spoke his name. After giving birth to Maverick and realizing that if I didn’t get out of my tiny little farm town in Oregon, and away from the people who loved Carter Quinn, I would never escape him, so I moved. Not so far that I couldn’t drive to my parents’, but far enough that his name would never come up.

I had a beautiful little boy to think about and he would never know that his mother’s heart had shattered irrevocably. He was my heart now and he was enough.